Midnight ride.....

Four girls in a hire car on a dark country road. No street lights, signs or cats eyes, just a self important sat nav. Fog rolling in thickly, and the windows fog up from the air con. The full beam light won’t hold unless the driver holds in place when it drops the lights go out completely……

*journey*

Two girls left in the car, they pull in and park. They try to get out of the car and can’t….the doors won’t budge. After a scramble they make it out and the car is locked. Inexplicably the driver’s light stays on…..

This is not extracts from a bad horror movie just some excerpts from our drive home last night

The end is not nigh it's near....

Easter is over as is my DVD fast. I will be honest I was weak and broke the fast once. I have extenuating circumstances though. I was in the Greenwich Hospice charity shop and they had Midnight Cowboy on DVD. I don’t have it and it would have been gone by now if I hadn’t bought it. The money went to charity and for this slip the fast was extended by two days till today. Unfortunately this slip proved that I cannot go forty days without buying a DVD.

Easter weekend was dominated by decorating the Bro’s new flat in Shepherds Bush. The people that lived there before were some new breed of filth wizards. They didn’t clean the flat before leaving or in the last four years looking at the level of grime. They also blocked the toilet before moving out. They left their fridge which is filthy and full of water. The freezer hasn’t been de iced since the polar ice caps started to melt and every drawer in the freezer is cracked or smashed. So I was painting, Bill did the electrics, Michael did the floors and it looks really good now. Not quite finished but we were all mentally and physically destroyed afterwards.

Apart from the decorating there was Wrestlemania which was amazing! Undertaker Triple H end of an era match should have been the main event not in the middle. The main event the Rock John Cena match was kind of dull. Shamus 18 second heavy weight title defeat was awesome.

Monday I went to see A Walk on Part at the Soho theatre on Monday. Now Chris Mullin’s political diaries turned into a play may not sound fun but it was hilarious. Naturally everyone else in the audience had actually read them apart from me and they were at least ten years older than me. You had one guy playing Chris and four others plating the entire Labour party form 1994 – 2010. A long play but so funny.

This weekend we have the Hen weekend in Falmouth. Ahoy me hearties Yo ho.

On the matrimonial note I also managed to double book myself for a date that I have had booked for nearly two years.

Top 5 Songs of the day

Mozart’s requiem (I don’t know why)

Adele- Hometown remix

Ed Sheeran- Lego House

Nico- Iron Man

The Beatles- Help!

It's alive.......

Haven’t blogged in ages. Life is busy but boring. Loads of work, very little play.

Mum was up a while ago and we went to the Picasso which was amazing. I wouldn’t go on a Saturday though, as it gets super busy. We didn’t have the time or the tickets for the Hockney but there are some Hockney’s in the Picasso exhibit. Lots of wine and we went to the saffron club I forgot how good their food was, shame about the Tory on the next table. I felt particularly

What kind of a person gives themselves potassium poisoning by eating a lots of bananas? My daddy that’s who.

I recently invested in some Hello Kitty fairy lights which are genius!

No quotes of the day Vanessa and Richard aren’t around.

This was asked of me via email - What are the three (physical) traits that most attract you to another individual? I will not except anything as generic as “head”, or “torso” or anything else like that.

I went with a tight but pert arse, nice eyes, and a good head of hair, unoriginal I know. The person that wrote the email thought I wouldn’t respond as it was demeaning, more fool him.

Izzy can sit up and shimmy now.

Top 5 Songs of the day

Massive attack – Paradise circus

Mumford and sons- Sigh no more

Massive attack- Babel

Lowkey- Long live Palestine

Lowkey- Soundtrack to the struggle

Dream of electric sheep....

Inhale, exhale, calm thoughts. Life is pretty busy at the mo, its only going to get busier. The joy of spring has been killed by having loads to do, the fact that the sun is shining is a bonus.

Following the above statement I went outside without a coat and was filled with the joys of spring and sunshine. There’s a smoggy sunny haze round the London eye today.

After typing the above we have descended into mist and grey clouds with a promise of worse weather over the weekend. You don’t know what you’ve got till its gone.

Had my first go at making a crocheted doll, it was easier than I thought. So I will be making at excessive number of weird dolls from now on. I will attempt to use my powers for good but if you start to feel some odd twinges and pains, you might want to reflect on whether I’m venting my feelings on a voodoo version of you.

So what is up with North Korea?  What happens now? 

Davy Jones died, spookily after Laura told me about the time she met him. I’m not apportioning blame as I was rambling on about Amy Winehouse’s impending demise the day before she died.

James Murdoch quit, that was inevitable. Did anyone actually read the Sun on Sunday? I hope not.

Andrew Breitbart died YAY! I don’t feel bad for saying that and in the hours immediately following the death of Ted Kennedy he called him a villain, duplicitous bastard, prick and a special pile of human excrement. I waited a whole 24 hours before calling him a right wing prick with a penchant for misrepresentation and slander.

Quote of the week

“I’ve never had a robot friend before” naturally Vanessa

Top 5 songs

Lana Del Ray – Video game

Lana Del Ray – Born to die

Lana Del Ray – Kinda outta luck

Iggy – Lust for Life

Lana Del Ray – Diet Mountain Dew

Agents and Academy...

A short scene

Agent: We’ve realised that your contract lapsed three weeks ago, can you come in and renew it.

Occupant: No I’m away.

Agent: How about Saturday?

Occupant: I’ll still be away.

Agent: How's next Tuesday.

Occupant: I’ll be at work.

Agent: The next Saturday the?

Occupant: Okay. Agent calls the occupant up the Thursday before the agreed upon Saturday

Agent: Hi OCCUPANT you said you’d come in.

Occupant: Yes on Saturday.

Agent: That’s tomorrow.

Occupant: No tomorrow is Friday.

Agent: Oh ok, I won’t be here but my colleague can do the contract ok.

Occupant arrives mid afternoon expecting agents to be busy showing a property, when they arrive the guy in the office doesn’t know what they’re talking about and their colleague won’t be back for a while.

Agent: Can I come in on Monday?

Occupant: No.

Agent: Can you come back?

Occupant: No by the time I leave and come back you’ll be closed.

Agent: You’ll have to wait.

After 15 minutes he calls his colleague, the contract is printed it just needs to be signed. He has a look for it for about ten minutes and can’t find it so calls colleague back.

Agent: which file is it in oh that one ok.

Hangs up, looks through that one and can’t find it. Looks in all the files again for another 15 minutes. Colleague calls back, it’s in whatever file. He finds it finally, occupant asks for the copy of the inventory that they’ve never seen. He hands occupant the contract and offers them a pen.

Occupant: I’m going to read it before I sign it.

He takes the pen away and he puts it in his desk drawer. Occupant sits and reads the contract, colleague comes in.

Colleague: It’s the same as last time.

Occupant: I’m not going to sign something I haven’t read.

Once occupant has read it and signed it. Occupant then asks for a copy of the inventory for the third time. They give occupant a copy and occupant leaves. When occupant reads the inventory it’s written in child’s scrawl, and has not been signed by occupant so it is in no way binding. It does mention the dust and crap that was on everything when occupant moved in.

2012 Academy Awards

So glad George didn’t win, he’ll get another one soon. Jean Dujardin's will never get another Oscar and this time next year he’ll be playing pan European villains in Hollywood films. Given the size of his face he might make it into a culture clash comedy. Meryl no surprise there, Christopher Plummer was another obvious choice, The Artist swept them all away, Octavia totally deserved hers, and Jessica Chastain looked amazing. Still can’t believe Ryan Gosling got left out this year. What was up with Billy and the black face?

Dresses

Loved

Michelle Williams

Agelina's apart from the right leg's bid for freedom

Gwyneth Paltrow

Viola Davis- bold choice

Jessica Chastain- Best dressed

Maya Rudolph

Stacey Kiebler- still can't believe George is dating a former WWE Diva

Lea Thompson- would look better on someone else

Millie Kemper

Wendi Mclendon-Covey

Kelly Osbourne

Judy greer

jane Seymour MILF

Penelope Cruz

Shailene Woodley

Rose Byrne- 2nd Best dressed

Esperanza Spalding

Hated

Rooney Mara

Melissa McCarthy

Kaui Hart Hemmings

Penelope Ann Miller

Maria Menounos

Natalie Portman

Kelly Ripa

Virginia Madsen

Missi Pyle- it hurts to look at

Indifferent

Anna Faris

Emma Stone

Sandra Bullock- where were here boobs?

Glenn Close

Milla Jovovich

Sarah Hyland- She needs to grow a pair

Meryle Streep

Leslie Mann- I can really see what she tried to do

Baby girl.....

Blogger has been weird so this blog should have been uploaded on Tuesday.

So last week I didn’t blog, I barely tweeted and Facebook forget about it. I was doing my uber intensive parenting practice round. Which basically means I lived at my brothers and took care of my niece for twelve hours a day (my sainthood is in the post apparently). It was really fun but exhausting in a totally different way to work. You can go for walks by the river and have cups of coffee but you’re never fully relaxed. Child care is a lot of fire fighting, on day they may be hungry and decide the only way they’ll ever be happy again is to consume twice their normal intake. This requires you to be psychic and able to produce milk and luke warm food out of thin air. We got through it all though. She now has amazing hand eye co ordination, and a sort of body drag which is her version of crawling, as such she is now in control. Gone are the days she’ll lie there and stare at you in awe, now she’ll blow raspberries while doing back crawl. This is fine if you’re not changing her nappy.  Words of warning never give babies lentils, also don’t then tell their parents they can go out for the evening as its valentines day. This leads to you being left to fire fight a difficult and disgusting situation on your own.

Moving on from my baby week I went to see two very different plays last week one was Pitch fork Disney with Nathan Stewart-Jarrett he is extremely hot up close. It was an intense piece about fear with some absurdities. The other play was The Devil is an Ass, the first play featuring both my parents. It’s not the easiest play as its Shakespearean language with none of the familiar stories, both parents were wicked and the play is funny.

As I was off on my baby vacation and in Plymouth I wasn’t home all last week and I was alone for a total of one hour last Saturday. It’s nice to be home alone with access to adult conversation, which is the first thing to go when you’re with a baby all day.

We’ve lost Whitney : (

I’m giving up DVDs for lent, this could be like when I tried to give up coffee and I fail in the first week.

I now have to be on Izzy’s nursery pick up file which means they have my picture so they don’t think I’m kidnapping her. There is now a file on me that doesn’t say WARNING or MAD. Huzzah!

Top 5 songs of the day

Bad meets evil Ft Bruno Mars- Lighters

Ozzy Osbourne- Dreamer

George Harrison- Here comes the sun

Ice Cube- You can do it

Montell Jordan- This is how we do it

Another day.....

Babies, mortgages, and weddings everywhere I turn. Makes me feel very immature.

You know when people cough and are sick you feel sorry for them until you realise you are being coughed at in stereo. Oh I won’t breath on you, great except you’ve just coughed at me without covering your mouth. You also keep touching stuff on my desk. Ewwwwwww. I don’t people having sick days and getting better, if you’re not that sick you should probably come to work but right now I really prefer it if these incessant coughers went home and coughed to their hearts content there.

Quote of the day

“I find pigeons insolent……especially indoors” Richard’s feelings on Victoria coach station

Top 5 songs of the day

Oasis- Don’t look back in anger

Adele- Rumour has it

Nada Surf- Popular

Mumford & Son- Liar

Mumford & Son- The Enemy