Agents and Academy...

A short scene

Agent: We’ve realised that your contract lapsed three weeks ago, can you come in and renew it.

Occupant: No I’m away.

Agent: How about Saturday?

Occupant: I’ll still be away.

Agent: How's next Tuesday.

Occupant: I’ll be at work.

Agent: The next Saturday the?

Occupant: Okay. Agent calls the occupant up the Thursday before the agreed upon Saturday

Agent: Hi OCCUPANT you said you’d come in.

Occupant: Yes on Saturday.

Agent: That’s tomorrow.

Occupant: No tomorrow is Friday.

Agent: Oh ok, I won’t be here but my colleague can do the contract ok.

Occupant arrives mid afternoon expecting agents to be busy showing a property, when they arrive the guy in the office doesn’t know what they’re talking about and their colleague won’t be back for a while.

Agent: Can I come in on Monday?

Occupant: No.

Agent: Can you come back?

Occupant: No by the time I leave and come back you’ll be closed.

Agent: You’ll have to wait.

After 15 minutes he calls his colleague, the contract is printed it just needs to be signed. He has a look for it for about ten minutes and can’t find it so calls colleague back.

Agent: which file is it in oh that one ok.

Hangs up, looks through that one and can’t find it. Looks in all the files again for another 15 minutes. Colleague calls back, it’s in whatever file. He finds it finally, occupant asks for the copy of the inventory that they’ve never seen. He hands occupant the contract and offers them a pen.

Occupant: I’m going to read it before I sign it.

He takes the pen away and he puts it in his desk drawer. Occupant sits and reads the contract, colleague comes in.

Colleague: It’s the same as last time.

Occupant: I’m not going to sign something I haven’t read.

Once occupant has read it and signed it. Occupant then asks for a copy of the inventory for the third time. They give occupant a copy and occupant leaves. When occupant reads the inventory it’s written in child’s scrawl, and has not been signed by occupant so it is in no way binding. It does mention the dust and crap that was on everything when occupant moved in.

2012 Academy Awards

So glad George didn’t win, he’ll get another one soon. Jean Dujardin's will never get another Oscar and this time next year he’ll be playing pan European villains in Hollywood films. Given the size of his face he might make it into a culture clash comedy. Meryl no surprise there, Christopher Plummer was another obvious choice, The Artist swept them all away, Octavia totally deserved hers, and Jessica Chastain looked amazing. Still can’t believe Ryan Gosling got left out this year. What was up with Billy and the black face?

Dresses

Loved

Michelle Williams

Agelina's apart from the right leg's bid for freedom

Gwyneth Paltrow

Viola Davis- bold choice

Jessica Chastain- Best dressed

Maya Rudolph

Stacey Kiebler- still can't believe George is dating a former WWE Diva

Lea Thompson- would look better on someone else

Millie Kemper

Wendi Mclendon-Covey

Kelly Osbourne

Judy greer

jane Seymour MILF

Penelope Cruz

Shailene Woodley

Rose Byrne- 2nd Best dressed

Esperanza Spalding

Hated

Rooney Mara

Melissa McCarthy

Kaui Hart Hemmings

Penelope Ann Miller

Maria Menounos

Natalie Portman

Kelly Ripa

Virginia Madsen

Missi Pyle- it hurts to look at

Indifferent

Anna Faris

Emma Stone

Sandra Bullock- where were here boobs?

Glenn Close

Milla Jovovich

Sarah Hyland- She needs to grow a pair

Meryle Streep

Leslie Mann- I can really see what she tried to do

Baby girl.....

Blogger has been weird so this blog should have been uploaded on Tuesday.

So last week I didn’t blog, I barely tweeted and Facebook forget about it. I was doing my uber intensive parenting practice round. Which basically means I lived at my brothers and took care of my niece for twelve hours a day (my sainthood is in the post apparently). It was really fun but exhausting in a totally different way to work. You can go for walks by the river and have cups of coffee but you’re never fully relaxed. Child care is a lot of fire fighting, on day they may be hungry and decide the only way they’ll ever be happy again is to consume twice their normal intake. This requires you to be psychic and able to produce milk and luke warm food out of thin air. We got through it all though. She now has amazing hand eye co ordination, and a sort of body drag which is her version of crawling, as such she is now in control. Gone are the days she’ll lie there and stare at you in awe, now she’ll blow raspberries while doing back crawl. This is fine if you’re not changing her nappy.  Words of warning never give babies lentils, also don’t then tell their parents they can go out for the evening as its valentines day. This leads to you being left to fire fight a difficult and disgusting situation on your own.

Moving on from my baby week I went to see two very different plays last week one was Pitch fork Disney with Nathan Stewart-Jarrett he is extremely hot up close. It was an intense piece about fear with some absurdities. The other play was The Devil is an Ass, the first play featuring both my parents. It’s not the easiest play as its Shakespearean language with none of the familiar stories, both parents were wicked and the play is funny.

As I was off on my baby vacation and in Plymouth I wasn’t home all last week and I was alone for a total of one hour last Saturday. It’s nice to be home alone with access to adult conversation, which is the first thing to go when you’re with a baby all day.

We’ve lost Whitney : (

I’m giving up DVDs for lent, this could be like when I tried to give up coffee and I fail in the first week.

I now have to be on Izzy’s nursery pick up file which means they have my picture so they don’t think I’m kidnapping her. There is now a file on me that doesn’t say WARNING or MAD. Huzzah!

Top 5 songs of the day

Bad meets evil Ft Bruno Mars- Lighters

Ozzy Osbourne- Dreamer

George Harrison- Here comes the sun

Ice Cube- You can do it

Montell Jordan- This is how we do it

Another day.....

Babies, mortgages, and weddings everywhere I turn. Makes me feel very immature.

You know when people cough and are sick you feel sorry for them until you realise you are being coughed at in stereo. Oh I won’t breath on you, great except you’ve just coughed at me without covering your mouth. You also keep touching stuff on my desk. Ewwwwwww. I don’t people having sick days and getting better, if you’re not that sick you should probably come to work but right now I really prefer it if these incessant coughers went home and coughed to their hearts content there.

Quote of the day

“I find pigeons insolent……especially indoors” Richard’s feelings on Victoria coach station

Top 5 songs of the day

Oasis- Don’t look back in anger

Adele- Rumour has it

Nada Surf- Popular

Mumford & Son- Liar

Mumford & Son- The Enemy

#tag

Haven’t blogged for days, I’ve been busy.

So Saturday the snow started to fall so I left Kingston. Managed to get to Waterloo without to many delays. All trains are running fine from Waterloo, that is until my train arrives. I get on and we wait, then we wait a bit more. Half an hour passes which I don’t really notice because I’m engrossed in Vanity fair. Then the driver starts making periodic announcements about not knowing when we’ll be leaving the station. Eventually we hear that there is a train just outside of Lewisham that’s not moving. I don’t live on the Lewisham line! My train is not moving and it might be worth you seeking alternative routes. This poor Chinese girl without a great grasp on English asks me how she can get to Plumstead, I don’t know but I suggest she talk to station staff. She asks me where she can get a taxi, I tell her and off she goes, I didn’t want to even imagine how much that cost her. I go to wait for the 188 outside none show up, I decide to get the 1 to Canada water and if I’m lucky get the 199 which takes me straight to my door. None arrive and I get a 188 end then I have to walk. That whole charade took me over three hours. Plus the path to my flat is treacherous without the four inches of snow, but I didn’t slip over which was great.

While walking from the bus I passed an obviously gay couple. One of them was wearing what can only be described as a double pointed drag queen wig and a floor length grey fluffy coat. He then proceeded to ask if anyone knew the way to Narnia.

I heard from people what they think of my blog, one person said she felt like she was there and that she could hear people saying their quote of the day. The most poetic description naturally came from Vanessa. My blog is apparently like a Victorian window with the curtains slightly open. Why the window is Victorian I’m not sure but I like the analogy, we agreed that if the curtains were fully open my blog would be a terrifying insight into a Burtonesque world of weirdness.

I was getting off the train yesterday and I got a whiff of a woman’s Tea rose perfume. My mind was then filled with childhood memories of mum, she used to wear tea rose perfume amazing how a smell can invoke memories.

Do you ever laugh and think it doesn’t sound like your laugh? That happened to me yesterday, I laughed and I swear it was someone else’s laugh. 

I missed my Monday Haiku.

Brick lane to be uncobbled for the Olympics! Last time I check there are no Olympic events in brick lane. Barcelona does have the best pavements in Europe because of their hosting of the Olympics but Brick lane covered in tarmac is ridiculous. It’s a market lane, cobbles are part of the mise en scene and vibe. 

I cannot believe Kira sat next to Jake Gyllenhaal at the theatre, soooooo jealous.

Stitch N Bitch disintegrated last night so we went to the pub, which was a lot of fun. Four bottles of rose between four women would be fine except one of those women was pregnant so she had a coke. I think we all felt a little delicate this morning. Warning kiwis become piros when drunk.

Sticking your face in mine and saying “How’s Martha then?” is not a polite enquiry. It freaked the fuck out of me.

Top 5 songs of the day

Nada Surf- Popular

Mumford & Son- Liar

Mumford & Son- Enemy Within

Johnny Leyton- Johnny Remember Me

Nada Surf- If you leave

You gotta be cruel to be kind....

I walked past a man dressed as a rhino when I went to buy my lunch. Okay no biggie he also had a sign that read ‘save the rhino’. The exceptional thing about it was that no one batted an eyelid, not even a second glance. How is that possible? I know you see a lot of stuff like that everyday in London but I think it warranted a second look. I then forgot about this, when I remembered Vanessa suggested I should have taken a pic and tweet it with the caption “this is what I had for lunch”. Shame I have the worst cameras on my phone ever.

The weekend is here, this week has gone ridiculously fast. Not that I’m not jazzed that it’s the end of the week it just seemed to fly by. Still freezing out there, I wonder if we’ll get some actual snow over the weekend. Probably not, even it we had snow I would still have to go to work because the DLR is snow proof.

I watched The Puffy Chair last nigh, it was genius. Love the Duplass brothers can’t decide if Its John or Scrabble is my favourite of their shorts.

Okay either I’m starting to suffer from black outs or some people are odd. I’m aware that this person walked past my desk and said something, he didn’t look at me. I naturally assumed he was talking to himself. An hour later he was leaving for the day and he came over and said “Thanks for the offer but I’ve just taken my last aspirin maybe next week”, to me that sounds like I offered him a pill more potent than aspirin. I did not and I can’t even think why I would. BIZARRE

So I told you these things hadn’t arrived in the post you were surprised. I went through and detailed in more than one email these missing items, you did not respond. I just found these missing items under a pile of crap on your desk. Thanks for your help.

Quote of the day

“We’ve all been pretty and dumped.” Vanessa again

Followed by the over inflated Duncan “Once you fall for me you fall hard.”

Top 5 Songs

Puretones- Addicted to bass

The Avalanches- Frontier Psychiatrists

Adele- Day dreamer

Akale- Freedom Lasso

Adele- Someone like you

Underwired and overtired...

Neck pain is subsiding. Whoop! Not a particularly exciting day. Blanket is pretty big now and Guna wants me to make a jumper for son which should be fun.

Izzy’s new vests arrived, and they’re still minuscule but I do kind of miss her being an itty bitty baby. If I feel this way at 7 months how am I going to feel at 7 years?

There wasn’t going to be a quote of the day today as I didn’t want to quote any of the lunch time conversation since it was mostly about the hanky code. A complex and detailed system, that relays on the demographics understanding of patterns and shades of colours. You get it wrong and you’re in the shit in more ways than one.

Totally separate but still relating to homosexuals. Would the phrase “sweaty men getting ass-crippled” be a positive review of a gay club? Personally I feel its subjective, what do you think?

Quote of the day

“It’s never ending. I haven’t had time to fart” Vanessa the first person to have consecutive quotes of the day

 

Top 5 Songs

New York Dolls- Trash

The Smiths- How soon is now?

The Clash- London Calling

Scotty- Draw your Breaks

The Melodians- Rivers of Babylon

Personal hate boats....

A boat filled with all the people, beliefs and ideas you hate, at this point most of them are tea party republicans. This came out of someone (Russell) asking if Newt Gingrich floated my hate boat. My response was that all republicans floated said boat. His response was “We’re gonna need a bigger boat…”. One of my favourite phrases, this then made me want Richard Dreyfuss who I love to be on the hate boat. Apparently my hate boat would sink cinematically due to the volume of people and ideas that I hate. I don’t really do hate. I can hate ugly shoes, under ripe avocado in my sushi, and republicans but on the whole it’s kind of useless. I have a pathetically hippie mantra of “ignorance is to be pitied not punished”. Saying that though there are a lot of racist twats that I’d like to punish, it could be called a hate hate crime. My hate against their hate has led me to commit said crime. You could call a double H crime and steal some of Triple H’s lines such as “time to play the game” or my personal fav “I will cripple your ass”. Someone’s boat would come unscathed through insuperable odds and then right at the end, just when all the people he hates thought they’d survived, the boat would be hit by a massive flaming meteor. NICE

At this point if I could draw like AK I would have some cartoons or doodles of hate boats, oh well. I might get Richard to make me an origami one.

I know I don’t normally wear pink tops with flowers, but the number of mentions and compliments make it sound like I stalk around dressed at the crow on a normal day. Anyway knighthood lost, why is this so shocking? His knighthood throws others into disrepute, this is not the days of chivalry and joust a knighthood gets you the prefix of sir. I’m sure he’ll find some way to console himself what with him still being rich. I had a mad moment on twitter last night, I decided to look at RBS and the Wall Street journal’s twitters. Shameless pandering to capitalism not really that shocking, not sure why I bothered to look. I wish Demi would tweet, I know she’s not on top form but I miss her tweets.

On another note I received an email informing me that my Livejournal was going to be purged. So I logged on for the first time in four years, and had a read. WOW who knew there were so many ways for me to say I'm so wasted, I was so wasted, or this one time we were wasted. There were a lot of spelling mistakes. What a twat I was at 19, I've deleted the account after copying a few choice passages for myself.

Quotes of the day

“Feel how hard my avocado is” Vanessa, not a dirty euphemism as I thought but literally she wanted me to feel how hard it was. Bit of a non sequitur.

“That makes you look friendly and approachable” Joanna to me in reference to the bright floral top I’m wearing today.

Top 4 Songs

Semisonic- Closing time

Dandy Warhols- Not if you were the last junkie on earth

Infant Sorrow- Going up

Jimmy Cliff- You can get it if you really want